Last night I had the old responsibility dream again, with a side order of anxiety attack.
Or maybe it was just the chili I had for dinner.
Either way, the dream was certainly a metaphor for my life lately. It seems that every time I'm ready to move forward with something, every time I sense success within my grasp, something happens. The frustrating thing is, that something isn't always something I have control over. And that was the nasty thing about the dream. I tried to get control over things and couldn't.
I was at a convention, several time zones away from home. I was helping with the convention, but someone had comped me a really nice (sweet?) suite in the hotel, which was a pleasant surprise indeed. Then my cell phone rang. It was someone who knew I was out of town and insisted I had to fix whatever issue was going on with them. The person who should fix it was not competent to do so (at least in the mind of the person on the other end of the phone.) There was nothing I could do. I finally talked the person down and evidently convinced them that the person who *should* fix the problem was competent to do so.
During the phone conversation there was an earthquake. I think it was my husband getting out of bed. I was probably tossing and turning and making all sorts of noise. I can't blame him!
So I rang off the call, took a deep breath, and was confronted by someone who was determined that I didn't deserve the room I was comped, and in fact didn't even deserve to be at the con. I'm not sure if it was all a cruel joke or what. I just know I was staring at the pile of luggage that had moved out of the bedroom during the earthquake...
And poof! I was gone. I woke up shivering and coughing (had another bad air day yesterday to boot) and spent a couple of hours on the couch, drifting in and out of sleep.
The thing is, stuff has been happening that I have no personal control over, and it's is throwing a wrench in things. The latest is another issue with my retina. I woke up one morning about a week and a half ago and discovered a ton of new floaters along with evidence of hemorrhaging. Ewww. So I called the retina doc, and his office squeezed me in. Chris was kind enough to drive me down and spend three hours with me. One laser scan and one sonogram later ... they weren't sure what was going on. Had a follow up last week and they're still not sure. But I'm supposed to watch for signs of detachment. And I still have these huge floaters in my left eye that are interfering with my vision. We're on a "wait and see" basis for those. There's a surgical option, but it's not something I'm crazy about.
And this is something I have absolutely no control over. It's not a lifestyle thing, I didn't go and get myself hit in the head. I was born with these crazy eyes.
I think the takeaway from this is that stuff happens, and it's how I react to this stuff that's important. I can let it get me down or I can work through it all. But dag nabbit, I'm getting tired of this stuff happening right when I'm on the verge of something good. It's wearing me down.
Or maybe it's just the chili.