Today's word: Ennui. As in listlessness. Dissatisfaction. Or to quote Marvin the Android: "Life. Don't talk to me about life."
Bad week? You could say so. Much pressure from all sides. I used to work very well under pressure, and still do to some extent. It's just whole "being responsible for everything on the planet" feeling that gets to me after a while. One of the joys - and curses - of my job is having a flexible schedule. I love the idea of being able to drop everything and go down the street for a cup of coffee or the ability to do my shopping when the stores are less crowded. I make up for that terrible slacker behavior. That's another thing about working from home: The office is always there.
But I digress.
The bad side to having such flexibility is that others tend to take advantage of it. I'm usually the last to be consulted about schedules because I'm so flexible. It's hit the point where I feel as though I'm being taken advantage of. I get tired of blocking a chunk of time out to meet with a friend, family member, or client and then have someone back out at the last minute. Hey, stuff happens. People get sick. Someone else backs out of or changes an appointment and ripples happen. I'm just tired of being the last person to know and the one expected to adjust her schedule accordingly.
You know, I really hate to be ugly and insist that they made the grand plans and should stick to them. Yet, I feel that I need to start standing up for myself here because some of this is really disrupting my life. I have some major rewrites due soon, I have a new web client, and I just can't keep moving things around to suit everyone else. That's stress-making.
Add to that the fact that I'm the more-at-home parent. Really, it does make more sense for me to do certain routine jobs - cook, laundry, shop for groceries. Add to that the fact that there are some people on this planet who thinks working from home is a code phrase for "sitting in front of the TV watching soap operas all day." Of course, it's okay for them to call me up and jabber for twenty minutes before I can get a word in edgewise. After all, I'm flexible!
All this leaves me struggling to figure out when to fit in little things like work, writing - things that help pay the bills and give me some small sense of self-worth in this crazy world.
Sometimes don't have a chance to relax until late in the evening, and then I go to bed and my brain buzzes with visions of things undone, plots to be written, tasks to accomplish. Some nights it takes forever to get to sleep, and once I do sleep is fitful.
And then it comes down to this. I have lots to do and no desire to do it. Deadlines loom. I am overloaded. I need a vacation. Not gonna happen. I have too much of a sense of responsibility (and a desire to get the bills paid) to drop everything and do something for myself.
Wow, that was one big whine, wasn't it?
Sorry about that.